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ACT THREE

 

Scene One

 

Enter Venus

 

Venus:   Well good gracious me!  Would you believe?

               They are all in a rare old fix

               But never fear.  I’ve still some tricks

               Hidden deep within my sleeve.

               All is not quite what it seems.

               I’ll show them secrets in their dreams

 

 So here goes.  And first - here is the dream I’ve sent to Gerald

 

(exit)

 

(soft light.  Dreamy music.  Engter Gerald.  He is dressed as a twelve year old schoolboy from the nineteen fifties in cap, blazer, grey shirt with woollen tie, short trousers, S-clasp belt, long socks.  Also enter and  standing on tall stools so that they tower above Gerald, Monsignor Paddington (Ferguson) partly dressed as a priest but also with shiny top hat and bright check trousers with plus fours, and also Mizzi Baumgartner.  She is an atractive Jewish girl of seventeen dressed as a schoolgirl of the post-war era in gym slip and ankle socks with a satchel).

 

Gerald:  Kinght Gerald:  Born in the blitz 1941.  Mother: died in blitz.  Father: professional con-man chiefly of self.  Brought up:  by adored and sad late lamented Mizzi.  Major characteristic:  compulsive liar.  Married:  never, on account of same.  Brief  emotional liaisons:  innumerable.  Occupation:  using said talent to great advantage in commercial world.  Major personal pursuit:  keeping others at distance to prevent emotional lesion or abrasion.  Well, this is my Dad.

 

 

(running to father)

 

Gerald:  Dad, Dad, where’s Mizzi?

 

Father:  Life, son, the art of the possible.  Empires there for the taking, son.  The Lord guideth the just man.  Psalm 35.  After the 3.30 at Redcar this afternoon we’ll be rich.  Crown Prince, son, goes like a flash, runs like lightning.  Dead cert for the 3.30.

 

Gerald:  Can I come too Dad?

 

Father:  Not this time, son.  I’m too busy making us rich.  For your sake, son, and for your poor mother’s God rest her soul.  Go and find Mizzi, son.

 

Gerald: Mizzi, Jewish refugee.  Haunted, beautiful.  She was my only mother.  Only I was allowed to enter the magic forest of her aloneness.  Standing holding my breath in the caves of shadow.  While she sang songs of her race in the dazzling moonlight.  (he runs over to Mizzi)  Mizzi, Mizzi, Dad’s gone to get rich with a crown prince. We’re going to have a red car Mizzi.  Mizzi, shall I make you laugh, Mizzi? (he imitates being rich and driving a red car).

 

Mizzi (laughing in spite of herself):  We will go far away in the red car, Gerald, you and I. Beyond the magic forest, Gerald.

 

Gerald( running over to father):  Did the horse win, Dad?

 

Father:  Not this time son.  But God trieth the patience of the just man Job three seventeen.  Now I’m going away for a bit son.  Got to do a kindness to some rich old ladies.  Lonely and lost they are.  Succour the widow.  Proverbs seventeen twenty four.  Advise them how to invest their money son.  So I can’t see you just now.  Go and find Mizzi son.

 

Gerald:  Mizzi.  Her hair is a dark wood.  Her breasts are singing birds.  They sing sweet songs.  Her love is a slow river (running across to Mizzi)  Mizzi, Mizzi, Dad’s going to show some rich old ladies how to hide their money in their vests. (he imitates old ladies hiding money bags inside their vests)

 

Mizzi (laughing in spite of herself):  You must practise your reading and your piano Gerald.  Shall we do it together?

 

Gerald (running across to father):  Did the old ladies find their money, Dad?

 

Father:  I’m going away, son.  To make our fortune.  For your dear old mother’s sake.  To Monte Carlo.  To challenge the world, son.  Get thee to a far country.  Genesis thirty five four.  After that we’ll be rich, you and me,  Biarritz, Florence, Paris.  We’ll be up there with all the nobs, son.  You be a good boy until I get back.  And look after Mizzi, son.

 

Gerald: Mizzi.  Stumbling along exhausted, pursued by wolves (he runs over to Mizzi)  Mizzi, Mizzi, Dad says I’ve got to look after you till he gets back.  He’s gone to a far country with somebody called Monty Carlo to get rich.  Shall I make you laugh,  Mizzi?  Shall I do Hitler?

 

(Mizzi weeps)

 

Gerald (running to father):  Dad, Dad, did you make our fortune with Monty Carlo?

 

Father:  Temporarily indisposed,son.  Unforeseen liquidity problem.  So going for a holiday instead.  By  favour of his Majesty the King.  Accommodation all found and guaranteed.  Remission of entry fee for good conduct.  Blessed are the peacemakers.  Matthew chapter five.  So it’s goodbye, son.  Never tell lies. Be gentle with the fair sex.  Always wear a clean shirt.  Be smart as a ribston pippin.  And the Lord shall bless thee.  Farwell, old son (exit).

 

Gerald:  Goodbye Dad.    My Dad’s going for a holiday with His Majesty the King. (he runs over to Mizzi but she has gone, leaving a note) Mizzi?  Mizzi? (he reads the note with some difficulty) “My dear darling Gerald.  I want you to be always good boy, darling.  Practise your reading and your music.  And always look after your daddy.  I have to leave you now but for always. I love you.  Mizzi”  Mizzi?  Mizzi? (running across the stage from one empty stool  to the other) Dad?  Dad?  Mizzi?  Mizzi?  Dad?  Mizzi?  (pause)

 

I’ve just got to stop telling lies.  I’ve just got to stop telling lies.

 

 

(Lights up.  Enter Venus.  She has put a  dressing gown on over her Mizzi costume. She is holding a telephone)

 

Venus:  And now for a slice of real life.

 

(a spot snaps onto Ferguson talking into his mobile in the BT phone box)

 

Ferguson:  Is that 25 Andromeda Avenue?.....Leighton Buzzard?......Hello, I’m a prospective client....Mr Harpbarple......The afternoons only? That’s OK.....Yes tomorrow afternoon...Yes 3pm would be fine.  Tomorrow at 3 then.  Thank you........ Goodbye

 

(exit Ferguson)

 

Venus:  And now for Diana’s dream.

 

(soft light.  Music)

 

(enter Diana and Camilla  Diana is wearing ear-rings, sun-glasses and an expensive coat. There is a menacing ticking of clocks).

 

Camilla:   We are now descending to the second floor.  Summer wear and needlepoint.  I am going to take off your ear-rings. (she removes them)

 

Diana:  Why are you doing that?

 

Camilla:  All the better for you to hear with.

 

(enter Ferguson)

 

Diana:  Ah Ferguson.  Did you want to say something?

 

Ferguson:  I’m frightened of you.  You set the labrador on me.

 

Diana:  I didn’t. I never did.

 

Ferguson: Please put him back in the car.

 

(exit Ferguson. Diana is appalled and weeps)

 

Camilla:  We are now descending to the first floor.  Designer fashions.  I am going to take off your glasses. (she removes Diana’s glasses)

 

Diana:  Why are you doing that?

 

Camilla:  All the better for you to see with

 

(enter Julian):  Hello Julia.  Did you want to show me something?

 

Julia:  Gosh Mum spoils us.  And you really did didn’t you?  You really did.

 

Diana:  I didn’t....I didn’t mean.

 

Julia:  You really did didn’t you?

 

(exit Julia.  Diana is appalled and weeps)

 

Camilla:  We are now descending to the ground floor.  Cosmetics and Accessories.  I am going to take off your coat. (she removes Diana’s coat.  Diana is wearing a white shift)

 

Diana:  Why are you doing that?

 

Camilla:  All the better for you to feel with

 

Diana (she is backing away):  Mummy!  What are you doing here?

 

Camilla:  Can’t you dress him yourself the poor lamb?

 

Diana:  Mummy I have a business to run.

 

Camilla:  I really feel I have to come in here for poor Ferguson’s sake.

 

(she advances towards Diana who backs away in terror)

 

Diana: GET AWAY FROM ME. I CAN’T BEAR YOU NEAR ME.  GET AWAY.

 

(Camilla continues to advance on Diana who is weeping and shrieking)

 

Diana: GET AWAY! GET AWAY! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

 

Camilla:  I’m going to love you if you’ll let me.

 

(Camilla engulfs Diana in her black cloak.  There is a loud and strident cacophony of sound.  It starts on  a low note towards the end of the dialogue and rise higher and higher and higher until it reaches a crescendo and falls with a crash onto its original starting note.  By this time the stage is in complete darkness.  As the crash happens a spotlight snaps on to reveal Ferguson knocking on the door of 25 Andromeda Avenue Leighton Buzzard.  During the first few lines of the subsequent scene the stage lights rapidly strengthen to full light

 

(Venus, back in her dressing gown is behind an imaginary door frame with a door in it upon which Ferguson is knocking.  She opens the door a crack on the chain. Venus is now a madame)

 

Venus:  You the police?

 

Ferguson(looking furtively round):  No, I’m  a client.  Harpbarple.  I rang earlier. 

 

Venus:  All right.  You can come in.  From London are you?

 

Ferguson:  Yes.  That’s right.

 

Venus: We get a lot of gentlemen from London.  Professional are you?

 

Ferguson:  Oh yes. Absolutely.

 

Venus:  We offer a discreet service for professional gentlemen of adult taste.  You’d be surprised the famous people who’ve been clients.  A lot of our clients are in the newspapers.

 

Ferguson:  I’d rather steer clear of the newspapers actually

 

Venus:  Generals, politicians, film stars, celebrities.  Only last week a cabinet minister said to me “Myrtle, your establishment is a haven of delight in a naughty world”.

 

Ferguson:  A cabinet minister.  I wonder who that was.

 

Venus:  My lips are sealed.  Like with clingfilm.  We pride ourselves on being professional.  Would you like menu or a la carte?

 

Ferguson:  Oh....er.....menu please

 

Venus (taking out list of services and reading) :  Policewoman arrests client in flagrante delicto. While she dresses him down he undresses her down.  Client discovers the bare essentials of the law are fabulous beyond dreams.

 

Head girl summons client to study to correct him for stealing cigarettes.  After chastisement with cane Head Girl invites client to view her navy blue serge drawers as worn by schoolgirls in the nineteen fifties followed by romps in the san and shared shower

 

Client dressed only in leopard skin loincloth is fleeing with Girl Friday from pursuing gorilla through steaming jungle.  Gorilla dies of heart attack.  Client makes wild love to Girl Friday on floor of rainforest. 

 

Do any of these appeal?  Or do you want further pulsatingly exotic but tasteful scenarios?

 

Ferguson:  I think the second actually.  The Head Girl one.

 

Venus:  With or without erotic surprise.

 

Ferguson:  What is an exotic surprise?

 

Venus:  You’ll be surprised  .

 

Ferguson:  All right.  Why not?  Might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb what?  I’ll go for the erotic surprise as well.

 

Venus (taking off her dressing gown to reveal she is wearing an old fashioned gymslip and putting on a wig with long plaits):  Stand up straight when I’m talking to you.

 

(Ferguson pulls himself up to attention)

 

Venus:  Now Piddlington-Minor, did you steal Ashley-Hodgkinson Major’s cigarettes?

 

Ferguson:  No I didn’t.

 

Venus:  No I didn’t Madamoiselle Head Girl.

 

Ferguson:  No I didn’t Madamoiselle Head Girl.

 

Venus:  If you know what’s good for you you’ll say you did.

 

Ferguson:  All right.  I did.

 

Venus:  Madamoiselle Head Girl.

 

Ferguson:  Madamoiselle Head Girl.

 

Venus:  Very well, Pidlington-Minor, I’m going to cane you. It is what you deserve.  You ought to be deeply ashamed of yourself.  But I know there is a little boy inside who wants to be loved.  Now take your trousers down and bend over and shut your eyes.

 

(She takes out cane.  Ferguson lets down his trousers and bends over with eyes closed.  As he does so there is a sound of whistles blowing.  Venus is about to administer the caning, but on hearing the whistles she rapidly and silently exits with looks of alarm.  She returns wearing a police mac and policewoman’s hat.   She stands looking at Ferguson)

 

Ferguson:  I’m waiting (he looks round and stands up):  You must be the erotic surprise.

 

PCW:  Policewoman Constable Dobbs.  South Bedfordshire Constabulary.

 

Ferguson:  Caught in flagrante delicto, eh?

 

PCW:  Would you like to assume an erect posture sir?

 

Ferguson:  So you can dress me down while I study the bare essentials of the law, eh?  Isn’t that it?  (he winks) Eh? Eh?

 

PCW:  I must warn you that anything you say may be taken down in evidence against you.

 

Feguson:  Got something French and frilly to take down?  Eh? Eh?

 

PCW:  Will you please come with me to the station.

 

Ferguson:  To the station?  I’m not leaving here.

 

(The PCW blows her whistle.)

 

Ferguson(light dawning):  I say.  Who are you?  This is going a bit far.

 

Policewoman:  Come on sir.  You’re going a bit farther.  To the station.

 

Ferguson:  This is frightful.  I protest.  You can’t make me go to the station.  This is an outrage.  I can’t believe it.  Are you sure you’re a policeperson?

 

Sergeant:  I was under that impression, sir.

 

Ferguson:  You can’t make me go to the station.  You’ve got to listen.  I can explain everything.  I’m a famous person.

 

Policewoman:  You’ll be even more famous when this is over.  Now just pull up your trousers and come with me, sir.

 

Ferguson:(pulling up his trousers):  Oh dear. Oh dear.  Oh dear oh dear oh dear.  This is the end.  This is the end. Oh dear Oh dear.  I’m finished

 

Venus (entering as herself):  And now for Brenda’s dream (exit)

 

(trumpets.  Enter Diana  and  Ferguson.  They are wearing medieval cloaks and hats.)           

 

Diana:  We are here to try Sir Gerald the Unready for the crime of rape.  Bring him in. (Ferguson exits and returns with Gerald)

 

Diana:  You are accused Sir Gerald the Unready of the crime of rape.  What do you have to say?

ACT THREE

 

Scene One

 

Enter Venus

 

Venus:   Well good gracious me!  Would you believe?

               They are all in a rare old fix

               But never fear.  I’ve still some tricks

               Hidden deep within my sleeve.

               All is not quite what it seems.

               I’ll show them secrets in their dreams

 

 So here goes.  And first - here is the dream I’ve sent to Gerald

 

(exit)

 

(soft light.  Dreamy music.  Engter Gerald.  He is dressed as a twelve year old schoolboy from the nineteen fifties in cap, blazer, grey shirt with woollen tie, short trousers, S-clasp belt, long socks.  Also enter and  standing on tall stools so that they tower above Gerald, Monsignor Paddington (Ferguson) partly dressed as a priest but also with shiny top hat and bright check trousers with plus fours, and also Mizzi Baumgartner.  She is an atractive Jewish girl of seventeen dressed as a schoolgirl of the post-war era in gym slip and ankle socks with a satchel).

 

Gerald:  Kinght Gerald:  Born in the blitz 1941.  Mother: died in blitz.  Father: professional con-man chiefly of self.  Brought up:  by adored and sad late lamented Mizzi.  Major characteristic:  compulsive liar.  Married:  never, on account of same.  Brief  emotional liaisons:  innumerable.  Occupation:  using said talent to great advantage in commercial world.  Major personal pursuit:  keeping others at distance to prevent emotional lesion or abrasion.  Well, this is my Dad.

 

 

(running to father)

 

Gerald:  Dad, Dad, where’s Mizzi?

 

Father:  Life, son, the art of the possible.  Empires there for the taking, son.  The Lord guideth the just man.  Psalm 35.  After the 3.30 at Redcar this afternoon we’ll be rich.  Crown Prince, son, goes like a flash, runs like lightning.  Dead cert for the 3.30.

 

Gerald:  Can I come too Dad?

 

Father:  Not this time, son.  I’m too busy making us rich.  For your sake, son, and for your poor mother’s God rest her soul.  Go and find Mizzi, son.

 

Gerald: Mizzi, Jewish refugee.  Haunted, beautiful.  She was my only mother.  Only I was allowed to enter the magic forest of her aloneness.  Standing holding my breath in the caves of shadow.  While she sang songs of her race in the dazzling moonlight.  (he runs over to Mizzi)  Mizzi, Mizzi, Dad’s gone to get rich with a crown prince. We’re going to have a red car Mizzi.  Mizzi, shall I make you laugh, Mizzi? (he imitates being rich and driving a red car).

 

Mizzi (laughing in spite of herself):  We will go far away in the red car, Gerald, you and I. Beyond the magic forest, Gerald.

 

Gerald( running over to father):  Did the horse win, Dad?

 

Father:  Not this time son.  But God trieth the patience of the just man Job three seventeen.  Now I’m going away for a bit son.  Got to do a kindness to some rich old ladies.  Lonely and lost they are.  Succour the widow.  Proverbs seventeen twenty four.  Advise them how to invest their money son.  So I can’t see you just now.  Go and find Mizzi son.

 

Gerald:  Mizzi.  Her hair is a dark wood.  Her breasts are singing birds.  They sing sweet songs.  Her love is a slow river (running across to Mizzi)  Mizzi, Mizzi, Dad’s going to show some rich old ladies how to hide their money in their vests. (he imitates old ladies hiding money bags inside their vests)

 

Mizzi (laughing in spite of herself):  You must practise your reading and your piano Gerald.  Shall we do it together?

 

Gerald (running across to father):  Did the old ladies find their money, Dad?

 

Father:  I’m going away, son.  To make our fortune.  For your dear old mother’s sake.  To Monte Carlo.  To challenge the world, son.  Get thee to a far country.  Genesis thirty five four.  After that we’ll be rich, you and me,  Biarritz, Florence, Paris.  We’ll be up there with all the nobs, son.  You be a good boy until I get back.  And look after Mizzi, son.

 

Gerald: Mizzi.  Stumbling along exhausted, pursued by wolves (he runs over to Mizzi)  Mizzi, Mizzi, Dad says I’ve got to look after you till he gets back.  He’s gone to a far country with somebody called Monty Carlo to get rich.  Shall I make you laugh,  Mizzi?  Shall I do Hitler?

 

(Mizzi weeps)

 

Gerald (running to father):  Dad, Dad, did you make our fortune with Monty Carlo?

 

Father:  Temporarily indisposed,son.  Unforeseen liquidity problem.  So going for a holiday instead.  By  favour of his Majesty the King.  Accommodation all found and guaranteed.  Remission of entry fee for good conduct.  Blessed are the peacemakers.  Matthew chapter five.  So it’s goodbye, son.  Never tell lies. Be gentle with the fair sex.  Always wear a clean shirt.  Be smart as a ribston pippin.  And the Lord shall bless thee.  Farwell, old son (exit).

 

Gerald:  Goodbye Dad.    My Dad’s going for a holiday with His Majesty the King. (he runs over to Mizzi but she has gone, leaving a note) Mizzi?  Mizzi? (he reads the note with some difficulty) “My dear darling Gerald.  I want you to be always good boy, darling.  Practise your reading and your music.  And always look after your daddy.  I have to leave you now but for always. I love you.  Mizzi”  Mizzi?  Mizzi? (running across the stage from one empty stool  to the other) Dad?  Dad?  Mizzi?  Mizzi?  Dad?  Mizzi?  (pause)

 

I’ve just got to stop telling lies.  I’ve just got to stop telling lies.

 

 

(Lights up.  Enter Venus.  She has put a  dressing gown on over her Mizzi costume. She is holding a telephone)

 

Venus:  And now for a slice of real life.

 

(a spot snaps onto Ferguson talking into his mobile in the BT phone box)

 

Ferguson:  Is that 25 Andromeda Avenue?.....Leighton Buzzard?......Hello, I’m a prospective client....Mr Harpbarple......The afternoons only? That’s OK.....Yes tomorrow afternoon...Yes 3pm would be fine.  Tomorrow at 3 then.  Thank you........ Goodbye

 

(exit Ferguson)

 

Venus:  And now for Diana’s dream.

 

(soft light.  Music)

 

(enter Diana and Camilla  Diana is wearing ear-rings, sun-glasses and an expensive coat. There is a menacing ticking of clocks).

 

Camilla:   We are now descending to the second floor.  Summer wear and needlepoint.  I am going to take off your ear-rings. (she removes them)

 

Diana:  Why are you doing that?

 

Camilla:  All the better for you to hear with.

 

(enter Ferguson)

 

Diana:  Ah Ferguson.  Did you want to say something?

 

Ferguson:  I’m frightened of you.  You set the labrador on me.

 

Diana:  I didn’t. I never did.

 

Ferguson: Please put him back in the car.

 

(exit Ferguson. Diana is appalled and weeps)

 

Camilla:  We are now descending to the first floor.  Designer fashions.  I am going to take off your glasses. (she removes Diana’s glasses)

 

Diana:  Why are you doing that?

 

Camilla:  All the better for you to see with

 

(enter Julian):  Hello Julian.  Did you want to show me something?

 

Julian:  Gosh Mum spoils us.  And you really did didn’t you?  You really did.

 

Diana:  I didn’t....I didn’t mean.

 

Julian:  You really did didn’t you?

 

(exit Julian.  Diana is appalled and weeps)

 

Camilla:  We are now descending to the ground floor.  Cosmetics and Accessories.  I am going to take off your coat. (she removes Diana’s coat.  Diana is wearing a white shift)

 

Diana:  Why are you doing that?

 

Camilla:  All the better for you to feel with

 

(Venus exchanges the Grace Rainbow coat for Camilla’s faux fur one.)

 

Diana (she is backing away):  Mummy!  What are you doing here?

 

Camilla:  Can’t you dress him yourself the poor lamb?

 

Diana:  Mummy I have a business to run.

 

Camilla:  I really feel I have to come in here for poor Ferguson’s sake.

 

(she advances towards Diana who backs away in terror)

 

Diana: GET AWAY FROM ME. I CAN’T BEAR YOU NEAR ME.  GET AWAY.

 

(Camilla continues to advance on Diana who is weeping and shrieking)

 

Diana: GET AWAY! GET AWAY! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

 

Camilla:  I’m going to love you if you’ll let me.

 

(Camilla engulfs Diana in her black cloak.  There is a loud and strident cacophony of sound.  It starts on  a low note towards the end of the dialogue and rise higher and higher and higher until it reaches a crescendo and falls with a crash onto its original starting note.  By this time the stage is in complete darkness.  As the crash happens a spotlight snaps on to reveal Ferguson knocking on the door of 25 Andromeda Avenue Leighton Buzzard.  During the first few lines of the subsequent scene the stage lights rapidly strengthen to full light

 

(Venus, back in her dressing gown is behind an imaginary door frame with a door in it upon which Ferguson is knocking.  She opens the door a crack on the chain. Venus is now a madame)

 

Venus:  You the police?

 

Ferguson(looking furtively round):  No, I’m  a client.  Harpbarple.  I rang earlier. 

 

Venus:  All right.  You can come in.  From London are you?

 

Ferguson:  Yes.  That’s right.

 

Venus: We get a lot of gentlemen from London.  Professional are you?

 

Ferguson:  Oh yes. Absolutely.

 

Venus:  We offer a discreet service for professional gentlemen of adult taste.  You’d be surprised the famous people who’ve been clients.  A lot of our clients are in the newspapers.

 

Ferguson:  I’d rather steer clear of the newspapers actually

 

Venus:  Generals, politicians, film stars, celebrities.  Only last week a cabinet minister said to me “Myrtle, your establishment is a haven of delight in a naughty world”.

 

Ferguson:  A cabinet minister.  I wonder who that was.

 

Venus:  My lips are sealed.  Like with clingfilm.  We pride ourselves on being professional.  Would you like menu or a la carte?

 

Ferguson:  Oh....er.....menu please

 

Venus (taking out list of services and reading) :  Policewoman arrests client in flagrante delicto. While she dresses him down he undresses her down.  Client discovers the bare essentials of the law are fabulous beyond dreams.

 

Head girl summons client to study to correct him for stealing cigarettes.  After chastisement with cane Head Girl invites client to view her navy blue serge drawers as worn by schoolgirls in the nineteen fifties followed by romps in the san and shared shower

 

Client dressed only in leopard skin loincloth is fleeing with Girl Friday from pursuing gorilla through steaming jungle.  Gorilla dies of heart attack.  Client makes wild love to Girl Friday on floor of rainforest. 

 

Do any of these appeal?  Or do you want further pulsatingly exotic but tasteful scenarios?

 

Ferguson:  I think the second actually.  The Head Girl one.

 

Venus:  With or without erotic surprise.

 

Ferguson:  What is an exotic surprise?

 

Venus:  You’ll be surprised  .

 

Ferguson:  All right.  Why not?  Might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb what?  I’ll go for the erotic surprise as well.

 

Venus (taking off her dressing gown to reveal she is wearing an old fashioned gymslip and putting on a wig with long plaits):  Stand up straight when I’m talking to you.

 

(Ferguson pulls himself up to attention)

 

Venus:  Now Piddlington-Minor, did you steal Ashley-Hodgkinson Major’s cigarettes?

 

Ferguson:  No I didn’t.

 

Venus:  No I didn’t Madamoiselle Head Girl.

 

Ferguson:  No I didn’t Madamoiselle Head Girl.

 

Venus:  If you know what’s good for you you’ll say you did.

 

Ferguson:  All right.  I did.

 

Venus:  Madamoiselle Head Girl.

 

Ferguson:  Madamoiselle Head Girl.

 

Venus:  Very well, Pidlington-Minor, I’m going to cane you. It is what you deserve.  You ought to be deeply ashamed of yourself.  But I know there is a little boy inside who wants to be loved.  Now take your trousers down and bend over and shut your eyes.

 

(She takes out cane.  Ferguson lets down his trousers and bends over with eyes closed.  As he does so there is a sound of whistles blowing.  Venus is about to administer the caning, but on hearing the whistles she rapidly and silently exits with looks of alarm.  She returns wearing a police mac and policewoman’s hat.   She stands looking at Ferguson)

 

Ferguson:  I’m waiting (he looks round and stands up):  You must be the erotic surprise.

 

PCW:  Policewoman Constable Dobbs.  South Bedfordshire Constabulary.

 

Ferguson:  Caught in flagrante delicto, eh?

 

PCW:  Would you like to assume an erect posture sir?

 

Ferguson:  So you can dress me down while I study the bare essentials of the law, eh?  Isn’t that it?  (he winks) Eh? Eh?

 

PCW:  I must warn you that anything you say may be taken down in evidence against you.

 

Feguson:  Got something French and frilly to take down?  Eh? Eh?

 

PCW:  Will you please come with me to the station.

 

Ferguson:  To the station?  I’m not leaving here.

 

(The PCW blows her whistle.)

 

Ferguson(light dawning):  I say.  Who are you?  This is going a bit far.

 

Policewoman:  Come on sir.  You’re going a bit farther.  To the station.

 

Ferguson:  This is - (exeunt)

 

Venus (entering as herself):  And now for Brenda’s dream (exit)

 

(trumpets.  Enter Diana  and  Ferguson.  They are wearing medieval cloaks and hats.)           

 

Diana:  We are here to try Sir Gerald the Unready for the crime of rape.  Bring him in. (Ferguson exits and returns with Gerald)

 

Diana:  You are accused Sir Gerald the Unready of the crime of rape.  What do you have to say?

Gerald:  Come off it.  I never raped anybody.  I just took photographs of pretty girls.

 

Diana:  In the Court of Love that counts as rape.  You are condemned to lose your life unless within a year and a day you can come back to this court and tell it what women most desire.  The court is dismissed.

 

(Diana and Ferguson  exit but immediately return with two free standing blossoming trees each which they leave about the stage as if in a wood. Exit courtiers.  Soft light and mysterious music.  Gerald wanders between the trees.  Enter May)

 

May (to Gerald):  I think it’s a wonderful name.  I think it’s so romantic to call a man by his surname.  So rugged.  So real-man, so kind of Hemingway.  I bet you’ll find David Cameron changes his name when he arrives in 10 Downing Street in his bleeding Daimler.  King Dave..  Do let me call you Sebastian.

 

Gerald:  But my name’s - 

 

May:  I’m tired and bored. I want to be taken swiftly and mercilessly across a walnut desk  

 

              

Gerald:  Uncomfortable for the bloke I should -

 

May:  Tired and bored.  I want to be driven a hundred and fifty miles an hour along the motorway.

 

Gerald:  Even the royal family -

 

May:  To be made love to by a man in oily overalls.  I want to die smelling terrific.

 

Gerald:  I’ll remember to bring a spanner next time.  Look my name’s not Sebastian.  It’s Knight.

 

May:  Well I dunno.  When the lightning struck, to me you were Gerald Sebastian.  See yer tomorrer (exit)

 

(Gerald wanders about among the trees. Enter a hideous old hag.  She wears a grotesque mask that is reminiscent of Brenda’s features.  She has almost crossed the stage when Gerald becomes aware of her and accosts her)

 

:Gerald:  Excuse me!  Excuse me!  I’m looking for myself.  Can you tell me what women most desire?

 

Hag:  Are you sure you want to know?

 

Gerald:  Oh yes.  You see  my life is forfeit unless I can find myself in a year and a day.  Unless I can find out what women want I shan’t be able to find myself.

 

Hag:  If I tell you will you promise to give me whatever I ask?

 

Gerald:  Oh yes.  Oh yes.  Without question (she whispers in his ear. Trumpets. Re-enter the court)

 

Diana:  Sir Gerald the Unready.  Can you tell me what it is that women most desire?  Otherwise you must forfeit your life.

 

Gerald:  To know the name of the man they love.

 

(the court breaks out into clapping)

 

Diana:  You mean his secret name?

 

Gerald:  I do.

 

(More clapping)

 

Diana:  You have answered right.  Your life is saved.

 

Gerald:  I’m so glad.  Can I go now and do what I like?

 

Hag:  Just a minute.  You promised me that in return for telling you what women most desire you would give me what I want.

 

Gerald:  So I did.  I’d forgotten that.  What is it you want?

 

Hag:  Marry me.

 

(the court is dumbstruck.  Gerald falls onto his knees with his head in his hands.  He rises)

 

Gerald:   Is there no way out of this?

 

Diana:  No.  No way.  It is the law of chivalry that a knight must keep a promise made to a woman.

 

Hag:  Will you keep your promise?  Will you kiss me?  Will you make love to me?

 

Gerald (aghast):  I will.

 

Hag:  And take me for your awful wedded wife?

 

Gerald:  I will.

 

Hag:  Then you must choose.  Either you can have me ugly and always faithful to you.  Or you can have me beautiful but faithless.

 

(there is a pause while music plays)

 

Gerald: Which do you want?  Which will make you happier?  Which do you prefer?

 

Hag:  Then kiss me.

 

(overcoming his revulsion he kisses her.  She removes the mask she had been wearing.  It is Brenda)

 

Gerald:  Brenda!  (he falls onto his knees with his hands on the hilt of the sword in the posture of the Knight of the Grail kneeling before the altar)

 

Brenda:  Yes it was always me.  You were kind to me and you loved me.  And because you loved me and made me beautiful you can have me faithful too.  You are now ready to set out on your new quest.  So I shall give you a new name.  Arise Sir Gerald.

 

Gerald:  But Brenda what are you doing here?  What does all this mean?

 

Brenda:  Come let us dance to solemn music in this magic glade.

 

(they dance, after a time separating to opposite sides of the stage and exiting making gestures of farewell.  Exit Diana and Ferguson taking the trees with them) 

 

Scene Two

 

(Diana enters right.  Venus enters left with newspaper vendor’s billboard)

 

Venus:  Read all about it.  Read all about it. MP resigns in vice scandal.  Read all about it

 

(Diana buys paper and quickly scans it.  She takes out her mobile and dials)

 

Diana:  Ferguson?....Darling?    It’s me...Yes it’s me......It doesn’t matter, darling...it doesn’t matter...of course I will....No it was my fault......It was all because you didn’t get the love from me you needed.  I see that now…course I will.....It was always you I loved.  We both have...Yes yes darling....yes yes yes........Oh I’ve been missing you so terribly...this evening?...eight....I’ll be there....oh yes I’ll be there.

 

(exit Diana.  Enter Venus with different billboard)

 

Venus:  Well known advertiser in tax-dodge case.....read all about it.  Advertiser in tax-dodge case.  Company in receivership.   Read all about it.

 

(enter Brenda who buys paper and quickly scans it.  She takes out her mobile and rings)

 

Brenda: Gerald?....It’s me Brenda...I had to ring when I heard.  No, no it was my fault....Of course I will...No it was my fault…I realise now......I’ve been missing you so much.....can we  meet this evening?  Old place?....I’ll pay…Yes yes I’ll be there.  Oh Gerald.  I can’t wait.

 

 

 

Scene Three

 

(Gerald and Brenda are on one side of the stage in a spotlight.  Diana and Ferguson are on the other, also spotlighted)

 

Gerald:  I confessed to the Inland Revenue

 

Ferguson:  I really was caught in flagrante

 

Brenda:  Darling how brave.

 

Diana:  It doesn’t matter darling.

 

Gerald:  They’ve bankrupted me of course.  And they’ll bring criminal charges.  I’ll go to prison

 

Ferguson:  The police will bring a charge of course.  I may go to prison even.

 

Brenda:  It doesn’t matter.  I’ll be there.  At last.

 

Diana:  It doesn’t matter.  I’ll face it with you

 

Gerald:  But I’ve found you at last.  Nothing else matters.

 

Ferguson:  I’ve found you at last.

 

Diana:  Dearest Ferguson.  I’ve found you again.  .

 

Gerald:  We’ll start again together.

 

Brenda;  And begin again.

 

Ferguson:  Let’s start again. Together

 

Diana:  Oh yes.  As if we’d met for the first time.  Because we have.  Time can’t go backwards.  Or can it?  It’s as if we’d met for the first time.  As if we’ve changed into other people.  Ourselves.  And returned to the beginning.

 

Gerald:  We’ll get a flat in Camberwell or Ealing.

 

Brenda:  A bit expensive Camberwell these days,

 

Gerald:  OK then,  Neasden,  Croydon., Wolverhampton   Anywhere.

 

Brenda;  Yes anywhere.

 

Ferguson:  We’ll find a flat.  Somewhere very ordinary.

 

Brenda:  And begin again at the beginning.

 

Diana:  And begin again at the beginning.

 

Gerald:  The magic island of beginnings.

 

Ferguson:  The garden at the start of things.

 

Diana:  Open the door into our place.

 

Ferguson:  Yes, this is our place.

 

Brenda:  The end of all our wandering.

 

Gerald:  It was always here.

 

Diana:  But not known before.  Forgotten

 

Ferguson:  This is the place.

 

Brenda:  Yes, this is the place.

 

Gerald:  No longer strangers in the dark.  But travellers come home.

 

Diana: Together now.  In a still place.   For ever and for always. (slow fadeand exeunt)

 

 

Epilogue (spoken by Sebastian)

 

So the lovers lived happily ever after.  Cicely gets Algernon and Gwendolyn gets Jack. But in real life there’s always somebody left out.  I’m afraid it’s me.   Oh well.  Back to the philosophy, you bony whore.